Ball and Chain

Spider Kelly's traditional last song of the evening, involving multiple instrument switch-a-roos and Dawn almost always sang.

When it closed out the night at Dawnapalooza, I closed my eyes and could see and hear her up there singing, a truly bittersweet moment.

Dirty Girl Mud Run

May 2012 - one of our many escapades to Montage Mountain, this time to do the Dirty Girl Mud Run together.   Dawn was a little over a year out from her last kidney transplant and she "wasn't supposed to do" activities of this nature.  We most certainly know she never let a little thing like that hold her back from ANYTHING.

We had a blast, we laughed, we ran, we climbed, we jumped, we fell down.  I remember watching Dawn step carefully through a very large lake of mud, she was trying to step so gingerly.  So of course I got a running start and tackled her straight into the giant pool of mud.  After an exclamation of "Dude, seriously?!" we both cracked up and just laid there in the mud laughing.

Your Dress

Today I hung up your dress in my closet.  Not because I ever plan on wearing it.  But because I have so many memories of you associated with it, and I just couldn't bear to pack this one up.  I think of you every day, love you.

An armful of happy thoughts

I've looked at this card often over the past several weeks.  Just a few kind words, but they have reached me in a very meaningful way.

Random pictures from my photostream

Some random moments from the past couple of weeks...

Discussing some of Dawn's last wishes at HUP in Philly.  It may seem weird.  But it was both an intense and also hilarious conversation, I want to remember it.  Even some of my notes (this was only the 1st draft) simultaneously make me sad and make me laugh.

Weird sign in the hospice bathroom closet:

Ridiculous pizza that Kristen and I picked up to bring to the hospice for dinner.  Why is there a sea of cheese on top???  

I bought this unicorn for Dawn to color while she was bored in the hospital in Philadelphia.  Unfortunately she got too sick and she declined before she ever got the opportunity.  So when Zoey came to visit Dawn the night she arrived to hospice, she sat in the room with Dawn and colored it for her.  It was really important to Zoey to finish it for Dawn.  The necklace is Zoey's, it had been her favorite necklace since she was 2 years old and she never parted with it.  That night it was her idea to take it off and give it to Dawn, said she wanted her to have it.  Dawn wore it as a bracelet throughout her hospice stay and also wore it at her viewing:

Trying to find clothes for Dawn to wear at her viewing.  Even the most somber of tasks require a little levity.  

I went to Belco to get Dawn's accounts settled.  This was written on the back of the card I received with her account number on it:

 Found in Dawn's belongings.  Extra funny since Dawn never napped.

I have mixed feelings about remembering this one.  I went to Target to try to find a cardigan or sweater for Dawn to wear over her viewing dress and disaster pretty much ensued.  I panicked over nothing being right and started sending Sunita and Kristen texts with me trying on different options.  Shortly thereafter I had an epic meltdown amidst the clothing racks, bawling and throwing cardigans on the floor.  Some poor sales associate came over to ask if she could help and I vaguely remember unleashing (while sobbing and standing in a pile of clothes) about how nothing would work for a dead best friend's viewing.

Going through Dawn's clothing was a difficult but necessary task, and one best accomplished with her best girlfriends.  And wine.  Sunita, Kristen, and I lovingly went through bins of her clothing.  Laughing about memories associated with certain pieces.  Laughing about some of the ridiculous things Dawn had (really, who needs a teal velour track jacket??).  Crying with the loss of her.  But doing it all together. 

I recognize the weirdness of this next one, but I make no apologies.  The day after Dawnapalooza, I received my half of Dawn's cremated remains.  I haven't received her "permanent home" yet, so I put her in Dawn's old Barbie lunchbox.  It felt right, don't judge.  I came home sad and hungover, and crawled in bed to watch "The Cutting Edge" - one of my old favorite hangover movies.  I may have put Dawn on the bed next to me.  It felt right, don't judge.  

Hanging at the Hospice

Well this week freaking sucked.

I think many of us closest to Dawn were in a pretty dark place this week.  Particularly with most of the "to-do's" done and the group of us dispersing back home in different towns, there was an acute emptiness and darkness.  

I found myself drawn back to the hospice.  One day after I dropped the kids off at school, I was driving and simply found myself there.  It was peaceful and comforting.  The shared experience we all had there and the resulting closeness was almost palpable.  Being there was the most connected I felt to Dawn, and to the loss of her, since she passed away.  I think I may find myself back in that gazebo fairly often.

Typical Bar Accessories

We were probably the only people who routinely took a trip to Party City in preparation for the bar:

Beach Party 2000

One of our many theme nights at the Phyrst:  "Beach Party 2000".

We used our kazoos as an implement to drink beer out of our pitchers:

as well as drank directly out of the pitchers with our straws (that actually wasn't specific to Beach Party 2000, that was pretty much every night at the Phyrst):

Whenever we had a theme night at the bar, we went all out.  This particular night we brought a ton of leis (which of course ended up all over Spider Kelly and half the bar patrons), drink umbrellas, plastic musical instruments, etc.

Ian:

"Yeah, so I'm pregnant"

This photo was taken right after I told Dawn, Kristen, and Sunita that I was pregnant with Zoey.  We had gotten ice cream and were chit chatting when I casually said "Yeah, so I'm pregnant".  And there was much rejoicing.  :)

Dawn Did Not Like Carrots

Anyone who remotely knew Dawn knew that carrots were her nemesis.  She was not a fan of many vegetables, but carrots were particularly egregious.

She ended up with some variety of carrot in her food at Kristen's tea party bridal shower, maybe carrot cake?  Carrot muffin?  I can't remember.  Kristen or Sunita, do you recall?  But I distinctly remember this face afterwards:

As a side note, that's my shirt she has on.  I remember us going through our closets trying to find something to wear.  We had similar tastes and used to swap shirts a lot.

Hello Finn

Aunt Dawn loved all of her "kids" so much.  Zoey, Finn, Wyatt, Willow, Abby, Molly, and Joe were all her family.

The night I was induced with Finn, Dawn waited by the phone, texting me all night and the next day, anxiously awaiting his arrival.  She was one of the first ones to arrive at the hospital to meet him:

Zoey's 1st Rock Jacket

Aunt Dawn made Zoey her very first rock 'n roll jean jacket.  So fantabulous.

Truck Drivin' Man

Another Spider Kelly favorite.  Only in typical Spider Kelly fashion, the words got changed to involve "Hamburger Dawn", a tribute to Danville, and eventually the entire title became "Drunk Drivin' Man".

No Words Needed

Because BFFs can say plenty without saying a word at all:

Cat in a Sweater Card

How awesome is our friendship?  Awesome enough that Kristen and I both got Dawn the same weird cat-in-a-sweater birthday card one year that read "I was afraid you wouldn't get a card with a picture of a cat in a sweater on it".  We knew our Dawn-Nicole all too well.

70s Gameshow Party

Over the years we had a lot of theme parties, one of my favorites was our 70s gameshow party, inspired largely by the show The Match Game.

In college we used to watch a LOT of gameshow network, it was our go-to hangover remedy.  Lay on the couch all day, eat leftover pizza, and watch the Newlywed Game, Press Your Luck, Family Feud (only with Richard Dawson), and the Match Game.  Oh that wacky Gene Rayburn.

So a couple years ago we decided to host a 70s gameshow party.  We watched the Match Game on repeat (Dawn had given me a Match Game box set one year), made Harvey Wallbangers and Tom Collins drinks, and dressed in fabulous 70s attire.  I remember shopping in Salvation Army with Dawn, trying on all kinds of ridiculous clothes.  When she pulled out the mint suit, we both said "YES!!!".  It fit her perfectly, like it was just made for her to rock 70s gameshow awesomeness in.

True to Jen form, I made drinks entirely too strong and ended up loopy by like 7:30.  I vaguely remember the Harvey Wallbangers combined with a floppy hat and ginormous glasses making for a fairly large functional impediment and I passed out by 8:30.  So I'll have to leave it to Kristen (who was pregnant and a responsible party attendee) to recap most of the night.

I Can't Wait

My favorite song Spider Kelly played was "Can't Hardly Wait" by The Replacements.  It always came towards the end of the night.  And Dawn and I always drank and danced to it together, always at the front of the stage.  I can't hear this song without feeling like she should be next to me.

 

Just Breathe

It's been two weeks since Dawn died.  Everyone asks how I'm doing, and truth be told I've been a wreck since Dawnapalooza ended.

Until the party I was grieving but maintaining.  Because ever since Dawn got sick I was in "crisis mode" - decisions to be made, things to do, all moving forward.  I am excellent in crisis mode - when calamity strikes I am in my element.  It's why I was drawn to emergency nursing.   From her decline in Philadelphia, to her move to hospice, through her death, to planning her arrangements with the viewing and the party, I was constantly still immersed in things to do.  Grieving but filled with purpose.

I logically knew after all of the "to-do's" were over that everything would feel more final.  I knew that.  But I was not remotely prepared for the enormous gravity of that feeling.

It hit me after the final Spider Kelly song ended at Dawnapalooza.  It was like getting kicked in the chest and having all of my breath sucked away.  Literally, I couldn't breathe.  It came on so suddenly and completely.  Suddenly she was just gone.  And there was nothing to fill the space, except her absence.  It was blinding, excruciating, filled with panic, and all of my forward momentum came to a screeching halt.  Because she was just GONE.

My best friend was gone.

Yeah I've been a wreck.

Crying on the floor in the fetal position wreck.  Can't breathe.  Gutted.  It's ugly.   And I am consumed with my memories of her.  Because almost all of our best memories were together.   I know over time her light will shine through this darkness and the memories will be sweet.  Logically I get it.  But right now... right now I just want to figure out how to breathe again.